I was going to write a story about the squirrels that live in my backyard when this Internet news headline caught my attention: “Unhappy People Watch Lots More TV”.

Yes, several sociologists at the University of Maryland were paid to analyze data that was provided by something called the General Social Survey, and then, someone at “LiveScience.com” was paid to create the catchy headline and someone else was paid to write a short piece that lacks any significant factual information. I don’t want to be paid to do the research, and I’m not qualified to study the data, but I would like to write the headlines: “Unhappy People Eat Happy Meals at McDonald’s”, “Unhappy People Go on Shopping Binges at WalMart”, “Unhappy People Listen to Talk Radio Shows All Day” or “Watching More TV Makes Unhappy People Unhappier”. Are there millions of unhappy people roaming the land? Probably. Are there millions of unhappy people roaming the land that need to be identified and, therefore, research into their TV watching habits needs to be conducted? Apparently.

So, what exactly is the General Social Survey? The GSS, according to its website “is one of NORC’s (National Opinion Research Center) flagship surveys and … longest running project. The GSS started in 1972 and will begin its 27th round in 2008… The GSS is the largest project funded by the Sociology Program of the National Science Foundation. Except for the U.S. Census, the GSS is the most frequently analyzed source of information in the social sciences.” This, of course, tells you almost nothing. It’s scary, but hardly illuminating.

And what about the web site “LiveScience.com”? This popular web site apparently exists to keep its eye out for research studies, and then write about them, using ridiculous headlines to grab attention. Consider these headlines I’ve chosen at random from the site: “Happiness Buys Success”, “Hunger Can Make You Happy”, “Conservatives Happier Than Liberals”. None of these stories, by the way, contain the minimum daily allowance of scientific knowledge needed to exist on planet Earth.

The most interesting part of the TV watching study was left out of most articles or glossed over. The study’s co-author, Sociologist Steven Martin, likens the short, temporary pleasure of television to addiction: “Addictive activities produce momentary pleasure and long-term misery and regret,” he says. “People most vulnerable to addiction tend to be socially or personally disadvantaged. For this kind of person, TV can become a kind of opiate in a way. It’s habitual, and tuning in can be an easy way of tuning out.”

In my experience (I have been both happy and unhappy at certain points in my life); TV does serve a role as a Happy Pill. Unhappy people watch too much TV. They tell friends and relatives (and, sometimes, therapists) that they are unhappy. They exercise less, eat unhealthy foods, sleep poorly and. Therapists call it depression. It is well documented, to say the least. It doesn’t seem to be deserving of national headlines, except that it panders to an emerging, popular, journalistic theme: Hard times are coming and with it, a glut of Unhappy People.

Many people are Unhappy and it’s up to the Fourth Estate to find out why. It can’t be the collapse of the banking system or the auto industry. It can’t be the fact that millions of people are losing their homes and jobs and life savings. It’s not those two wars or the erosion of our constitutional rights. It must be that the Unhappy People watch too much TV or eat too many bowls of sugar frosted cereal. Not that I advocate watching TV (I’m addicted to “MythBusters” and “Man vs. Wild”) or eating sugar coated Chocolate Bombs. There are far better things to do and precious little time to do them. It’s just that these stories, these sociological studies, these cultural surveys, seem so shallow and distracting and pointless. Why pay attention to the oh, so obvious pronouncements? These studies seem to be an addiction unto themselves. Wouldn’t we be better off studying squirrels in the backyard?

Well, I know I would. I’m watching the squirrels, and I’m keeping data on their behavior, and I’m going to publish an article, and I’m going to title it- “Happy Squirrels Eat More Sunflower Seeds, Watch Less TV.” Look for it on “LiveScience.com”.

WE HAVE ALL HEARD THE STORY OF THE OOZE CRAWLING OUT OF THE OCEAN TO AN ERECT POSITION ESSENTIALLY BECOMING MAN. THERE IS ALSO THE NOTION THAT TWO GIANT ROCKS BUMPED TOGETHER CREATING JUST THE RIGHT CONDITIONS, AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME, FOR LIFE TO BEGIN. VIOLA, THE EARTH WAS FORMED.

THE AUTHOR, NEVER TAKING ANYTHING AT FACE VALUE, DECIDED TO TRY AN EXPERIMENT. THAT IS, I UNDERSTAND, THE BASIS OF SCIENTIFIC INVESTIGATIONS. AN INVESTIGATOR BEING ABLE TO REPRODUCE A RESULT, AND REPEATEDLY OBTAIN THE SAME RESULT CONFIRMS THE THEORY.

I GATHERED ALL OF THE REQUIRED SCIENTIFIC MEDIA, WHICH CONSISTED OF TWO RIVER ROCKS. I PROCEEDED TO BASH THESE TWO ROCKS TOGETHER IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF MY YARD. I TRIED THEM IN THE SHADE, OUT OF THE SHADE, IN THE WIND, OUT OF THE WIND. UPON COMPLETION OF EACH TEST, I EXAMINED THE ROCKS. TO MY SURPRISE, I FOUND NO LIFE.

THINKING OF WHAT I MIGHT HAVE DONE WRONG, IT DAWNED ON ME THAT IT TAKES TIME. HOW COULD HAVE I FORGOTTEN THAT IT TAKES MILLIONS OF YEARS FOR LIFE TO FORM AND EVOLVE INTO SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT. ALL OF THE SCIENCE GURUS STATE THIS FACT.

I PUT OFF THE EXPERIMENTS UNTIL I COULD REACH THE MOUNTAINS. THESE MOUNTAINS ARE OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE HAD THE TIME TO GRIND AND BUMP LIFE INTO EXISTENCE. DURING MY VACATION IN THE SMOKY MOUNTAINS I SPENT MY TIME EXAMINING THE LOCAL EVOLUTION HOT SPOTS I KNEW HAD TO BE THERE. I MEAN, THE EARTH IS TEEMING WITH LIFE. THEREFORE, I WAS CONFIDENT THE CONDITIONS TO REPLICATE THE BIG BANG THEORY WOULD BE PERFECT.

ALAS! I WAS WRONG. I FOUND NO MINUTE CIVILIZATIONS. NOR DID I FIND ADVANCED EVOLUTIONS OF THE ANIMAL POPULATIONS. I WAS DEVASTATED BY MY FINDINGS.

UPON RETURNING TO MY HOTEL, I SAT AND THOUGHT OF THE THINGS, I DID NOT PROVE. I WAS SO SURE I WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE SOME TYPE OF PROCESS THAT WOULD INDICATE EVOLUTION. AFTER BRAIN STORMING FOR TWO HOURS, I WENT TO SEE A MONKEY.

THIS MONKEY OF MINE (A CHIMPANZEE TO BE EXACT, BUT EVERY LAYMEN WILL LABEL HIM A MONKEY NONE-THE-LESS) WAS A VERY DESTITUTE CREATURE. HE JUST SAT AND STARED BACK AT ME. HIS NAME WAS CHARLES. HE DID NOT LOOK LIKE A CHARLES MAYBE A GEORGE OR BOB, BUT CHARLES JUST DID NOT SEEM TO FIT. HE HAD SORT OF A SMUG LOOK ON HIS FACE. A KIND OF LOOK THAT SAID, “LOOK AT THIS FOOL TRAPPED IN THAT LITTLE ROOM. I WONDER WHAT THIS BALD THING WOULD THINK IF HE WERE TO FOLLOW ME OUTSIDE TO MY PLAY GROUND.”

THE MONKEY, I FEEL, THOUGHT IT WAS I WHO WAS TRAPPED AND NOT HE. BEING BORN IN CAPTIVITY HE KNEW NOTHING ELSE EXISTED OUTSIDE OF HIS PLAY GROUND. IN ADDITION, IT COULD HAVE BEEN THAT, IN FACT, HE DID KNOW HE WAS FOREVER LOCKED AWAY, BUT HAS DECIDED TO ACCEPT THAT FACT. GIVEN HIS CIRCUMSTANCES, I WOULD SUSPECT THE LATTER. AFTER EXAMINING THE MONKEY, I FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF EVOLUTION WHAT SO EVER. A TRAINER WHO HAD COME INTO THE VIEWING ROOM TOLD ME THIS CHIMP IS A FOURTH GENERATION FOR THE ZOO. IN THE WILD, CHIMPS LIVE TO AROUND 45 YEARS OF AGE. HOWEVER, IN CAPTIVITY THEY CAN LIVE UP TO THIRTY YEARS LONGER.

I MULLED THIS OVER FOR A WHILE KEEPING IN MIND THAT THIS CHIMP I WAS OBSERVING HAS HAD UPWARDS OF 135 YEARS TO EVOLVE A WAY TO ESCAPE. UNLESS, HE REALLY DOES NOT KNOW HE IS IN CAPTIVITY. IF THIS IS TRUE THEN ONE WOULD SURMISE HIS EVOLUTION POWERS ARE STUNTED. THE CHIMP DOES NOT FEEL THE NEED TO CHANGE HIS CIRCUMSTANCES. THEREFORE, HE DOES NOT FEEL THE NEED TO EVOLVE.

HOWEVER, WHAT STOPS HIM FROM DEVOLUTION? WHY DOES HE NOT DEVELOP FEET LIKE A HUMAN? HE HAS NO NEED FOR QUADRUPEDAL MOVEMENTS. ONE WOULD THINK THAT AFTER THREE GENERATIONS OF FOOD BEING PRESENTED TO HIM UPON THE GROUND AND NO ENEMIES TO FORCE HIM INTO THE TREES THERE WOULD BE SOME CHANGES TO THE CHIMPS MODE OF TRANSPORTATION.

MOVING ON THROUGH THE ZOO I CAME UPON THE BOB CAT EXHIBIT. THIS CREATURE WAS VERY CONSCIOUS OF HIS CAPTIVITY. I WATCHED AS HE PACED BACK AND FORTH INSIDE OF HIS CAGE. I ONE POINT I MADE EYE CONTACT AND WAS MADE AWARE OF THE HATRED THIS ANIMAL SHOWED TOWARD HUMANS. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, WHY THIS FELINE WOULD SHOW SUCH ANIMOSITY TOWARDS HIS CAPTIVITY AND THE CHIMP CONTINUED TO IGNORE IT. IT COULD ONLY MEAN ONE THING. THE CHIMP RECOGNIZES HIS CAPTIVITY, AND HAS ACCEPTED HIS FATE.

WHERE DID THIS AWARENESS COME FROM, HOW WAS IT GAINED? IF IT IS EVOLUTION, THEN WHY IS THE FELINE SO FAR BEHIND? I MADE AN INQUIRY TO THE NUMBER OF GENERATIONS OF THE PRESENT BOBCAT. THE KEEPERS COULD NOT TELL ME AN EXACT NUMBER BUT I WAS ASSURED IT WAS SEVERAL. DOES EVOLUTION ONLY OCCUR IN CERTAIN SPECIES? DUE TO THE LACK OF SPACE, I COULD NOT LIST ALL OF THE SPECIES THOUGHT TO HAVE EVOLVED VERSUS THOSE THAT HAVE NOT CHANGED IN THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

ALL OF THESE LITTLE EXPERIMENTS PROVE NOTHING JUST AS THE LARGER, MORE ELABORATE ONES PROVE THE SAME. NOTHING, IS ONE THING THAT THEY BOTH PROVE. THIS IS VERY SIGNIFICANT IN MY OPINION. THE FACT THAT EVOLUTION THEORIES PROVE NOTHING IS IN OF ITSELF PROOF OF THE INTELLIGENT DESIGN THEORY. I FOR ONE WILL SUBSCRIBE TO BOTH THEORIES TO A DEGREE. I FEEL THEY BOTH PROVE NOTING AT THE SAME TIME BOTH TOGETHER PROVE THEMSELVES TRUE. THE THEORIES ARE NOT UNLIKE SOMEONE TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE BEND OF A FISH HOOK. ONE PERSON SAYS THE HOOK IS BENT TO THE LEFT WHILE ANOTHER IS CERTAIN IT IS BENT TO THE RIGHT. BOTH EXPLANATIONS ARE CORRECT JUST DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW. THE THIRD PERSON JUST FISHES WITH THE HOOK (LIKE THE CHIMP) AND DOES NOT BOTHER WHICH THEORIES ARE CORRECT.

MAN HAS TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. HE WILL GO OUT ON A LIMB TO TRY TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING; NO MATTER THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE SAW THE LIMB BEHIND THEM. HE KNOWS THERE WILL BE MORE LIMBS WHEN HE FALLS TO GRAB ON. MAN FAILED AND CONTINUES TO FAIL EXPLAINING LIFE ON THIS EARTH. THEREFORE, HE CREATED EVOLUTION. MORE EXACT, HE EVOLVED TO EVOLUTION. AFTER ALL, IT IS AN EXPLANATION TO A LOT OF QUESTIONS. AT LEAST UNTIL THE QUESTION IS QUESTIONED. THEN THERE IS ANOTHER LIMB CUT.

MY VIEW OF THE ANSWER TO EVOLUTION VERSUS INTELLIGENT DESIGN IS SIMPLE EXPLAIN. GOD CREATED THE SNOW BALL CALLED LIFE. GOD NUDGED LIFE OVER THE CREST OF THE HILL CALLED WORLD. DEPENDING ON WHAT DIRECTION THE SNOW BALL OF LIFE GOES DOWN THE HILL OF LIFE DIRECTLY AFFECTS ITS OUT COME AND CHANGE (EVOLUTION). HOWEVER, LIFE HAS A CHOICE WHILE ROLLING DOWN THE HILL OF LIFE. IT CAN LOOK BACK UP FOR THE GUIDANCE OF THE ONE WHO NUDGED THEM OVER THE CREST.