When my mother was a young teenager, she began experimenting with
drugs. She abused street drugs such as crank, and was known to steal prescription pads to fill fake prescriptions of painkillers. When she became pregnant, nothing changed. She continued to fulfill her desire to maintain a constant high, and received very little prenatal care.I was born five weeks early and had to be sent to a hospital that could handle intensive care neonates. I weighed only four pounds seven ounces, and had a severe case of jaundice. I stayed at the hospital for four weeks before I could go home. At the time, the only clothes small enough to fit me were Cabbage Patch Doll clothes, and I had to have special formula and bottles ordered from the hospital.
My mother moved in with my grandmother when I came home from the hospital. She rarely changed a diaper or fed me, and soon thereafter, met a drug dealer that she thought she was in love with. I stayed with my grandmother. My grandmother loved me and took good care of me, but she had two other children at home and was forced to work a lot. I started staying with a baby-sitter that lived out in the country. I remember her yard was filled with red mud and I had to have a bath every night to get it all off of me.
About that time, my great-grandparents retired, and they were able to keep me while my grandmother was working. After a while, I didn’t want to leave them. I wanted to live with them. My mother gave Mamaw and Papaw permission to adopt me, and at four years old, I finally had parents. After I was grown, and my Papaw was already in Heaven, I found out that Papaw had never been able to have children, (Mamaw had remarried after her first husband passed away related to injuries he acquired in World War II), and he had always prayed for a little baby girl. God answered his prayers, and I received a better life than I would have ever known otherwise.
After this brief background, I want to share a story of a little
client I had recently while working as a student nurse. It was my
rotation on OB, and I dreaded it. I had never been around babies and was quite frankly, scared to death. The first couple of days in OB I was on the Post Partum unit, and it was pretty uneventful. I would bring babies to their mothers, and I was actually warming up to these new experiences. I loved to see the warmth that a mother had for her baby the first time she held it, and how the baby quit crying as soon as she picked it up.
Soon came time for my rotation in the nursery. Again, I was nervous, but feeling a little better. The first day in the nursery, I had a great RN showing me the ropes. She guided me every step of the way, and didn’t make me feel insufficient for having such scant knowledge of newborns. At the end of the day I was so excited that I actually wanted to have a baby of my own, far from what I had always wanted before. I was actually looking forward to my second day in the nursery, which would also be my last.
When I arrived that second morning, I was informed that we were going to have a “drug baby.” After further inquiry, I learned that the mother had tested positive for Valium, Vicodin, and had admitted to taking Goody pills like candy. She was also a known alcohol user. I didn’t think much more about the situation except for the prescribed medications that I currently take. I take Lexapro and Klonopin for anxiety everyday and the thought that crossed my mind was that God wanted me to have this experience so that when he blesses me with a child that I would have a basic knowledge of newborns and that I would see firsthand what could happen if I became pregnant while on these medications.
When the “drug baby” arrived she was very small; five pounds, five
and a half ounces, to be exact. Other than her size, she looked
normal. She was pink, had all of her reflexes, a good cry, and full of energy. After she was all cleaned up, the nurse went to make her ID bands and I tried to comfort her as she was crying. I tried to rub her check to calm her down and she reached over with her tiny hand and pulled my finger into her mouth. As she suckled my finger she still held it in her hand. I instantly fell in love with this baby. The nurse came and took her to place her in the warmer as is customary with all new lives.
I went on lunch break with a couple of other student nurses and I
told them I had decided I liked OB, and that I wanted a baby of my
own. I told them how the baby had suckled my finger and I loved it so much I wanted to adopt it. We laughed and went back to the OB unit. When I went back in the nursery I was shocked to see that my little baby had been placed in the emergency incubator. Her oxygen level had dropped very low to 78, and her pulse was running 80-85 as opposed to a normal 120-160 for newborns. She had a heart murmur so loud that her heartbeat could barely be heard. She had all kinds of monitors hooked up to her and an Oxygen mask placed over her. Doctors and nurses were running around like crazy trying to help this little baby. I asked the doctor if she had a normal murmur that would go away. He said, “No,
this baby has a major heart defect that will not heal itself.” It was decided that she would have to be sent to a hospital that could handle her situation. As a matter of fact, she was going to be transported to the same hospital that took care of me when I was born.
The transport team arrived and I watched helplessly as tubes of blood were drawn, and IV’s were inserted. The little baby did not even cry when stuck with a needle because it was so sick. After getting her ready for transport we took her to meet her mother. This would be the first time that the two would meet. Inside I was so mad at this woman who would do this to her unborn child, who didn’t ask to be conceived, let alone be born with this horrific burden. However, when we arrived in the room, God’s love must have come over me. I saw this mother, who in her own way was visibly distraught over the situation of her baby. I saw her baby lying in the incubator with the needles, wires, tubes and monitors, and realized that this whole situation was very similar to the one I had been in 22 years earlier.
As the mother told us that this baby was named Madeline I began to
cry. I felt sympathy for this mother, knowing that she would probably never know her daughter, and I wondered what would become of this tiny baby. Would she have a good home like I did? I at least had had my health. She had an incurable major heart defect. About that time, the flight nurse informed Madeline’s mother that Madeline would not be able to eat for 12-24 hours because she was going to go through withdrawal from all of the drugs that she had tested positive for. She would be so sick, and in pain, that she would cry until she vomited. If she ate, she would aspirate on her stomach contents. The mother wanted to kiss her goodbye and they had to open a tiny port hole on the side of the incubator. I was so sad that this was the first time they had touched each other and it was in this manner. I continued to cry.
I was allowed to go downstairs to help the flight team load Madeline on the helicopter. I told them I wanted to adopt her, and they told me, “You don’t want this one. It’s defective.” I think they were half joking, but I didn’t care. A baby is a blessing from God, even if it’s not what we would perceive as perfect. By the time I got back upstairs, the rest of the students were already gone for the day, but I went back to the mother’s room. When I got in there I couldn’t say anything, but another nurse was there thankfully, and I just nodded at the mother to let her know Madeline had gotten off safely.
It was unbelievable how Madeline’s mother reminded me of my own
mother. Her mannerisms, speech, intellectual level all seemed very
similar. Although Madeline was sicker than I had been, she still
reminded me of myself when I was born. I walked out to the parking lot to go home and found that another student had waited for me. We drove home and she made me eat lunch with her. I cried the entire way to the restaurant and then all the way home. Every time I thought about Madeline for the rest of the day, I cried. That night, I called the hospital and they said she was in the same condition with no improvement. I was so upset that I called one of my teachers, and cried as I spoke with her about the situation. She talked to me on the phone for 20 minutes. I really needed to talk to someone who’d understand, and I was blessed to have great teachers who had been in similar situations.
That night, I got down on my knees and prayed for Madeline. “Dear
God, I know that when I was born, I didn’t really make a sacrifice, because I had my health, and you blessed me with Mamaw and Papaw who loved and cared for me very much. They raised me with morals, and integrity. They also raised me to know You, and I don’t know where I would have ended up if You hadn’t sent me to them. But, as a child, it still hurt me to think about why my mother didn’t want me. I still wanted to know her, and have her in my life. It hurt me when I saw other children with their biological parents and not have parents that could do the same things with me that they could do with theirs. Now that I’m older, I realize that those things didn’t matter, and I received many other blessings and lessons that they never got to receive, but I still know that that’s how I felt as a child. Dear Lord, please, let me make this sacrifice for Madeline. Even though I was blessed more than I deserve and had wonderful parents, please let her have her health, and let her mom turn her life around so that they
may have a wonderful life together. Let her mom quit using drugs, and provide a decent home for her daughter, and please heal Madeline. I was fortunate to have my health, and at this point, she doesn’t. Please, do this for me Lord, since I couldn’t live with my mother, and do this for her mother, so that she doesn’t have the regrets that I’m sure my mother has. Please Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
I didn’t hear anything more about Madeline until the following week when I went back to clinical. I was met by the nurse who had worked with me in the nursery when Madeline had been born. She was the bearer of good news. The day after Madeline was sent to the other hospital, the day after I had gotten down on my knees and prayed, she had been sent back to the original hospital. They couldn’t find anything wrong with her. She still had a small heart murmur, but it was the kind that all babies have when they’re born, and the doctors said it would go away. To top everything off, she never went through withdrawal from the drugs, despite testing positive for them. I went and held her in the nursery. Her oxygen and pulse were normal, and she truly was a healthy baby. Her mother was renting a room at the hospital and had made a remarkable turn around. She was breast-feeding Madeline and
bonding as well with her as any other mom, if not better. I had a
feeling of warmth over me, and knew that God had answered my prayer.
Madeline was healed and her mom was on her way to recovery.
When Madeline went home, she was not allowed to go with her mother, but went with a staff member of the hospital. Social Services was trying to work with her to get visitation rights until she was able to provide complete care. This little baby truly touched my heart, and showed me that miracles really do happen. It also made me question my ability to be a nurse and see situations such as this one. However, I believe God had me encounter Madeline for several reasons. It taught me to take better care of myself so that I could have healthy children
one day, and that even if I can’t help someone physically, I can be a spiritual nurse as well. I realized that I truly feel that this is the profession God is calling me to be in. He wants me to help people. I think I’m overly sensitive sometimes, but maybe that will make me a better nurse. Also, God will always take care of His own, so I shouldn’t worry about things I can’t control. He showed me the power of prayer, and that when doctor’s say something is impossible, as the ultimate physician, He can show them that it’s not impossible. I also received some closure from my own situation with my mother. I understood that Madeline’s mother really did love her, and for whatever reason, she hadn’t made the right decisions during her pregnancy. Maybe one day, I will meet Madeline when she is older and see that she has had a healthy life and relationship with her mother. I probably won’t, but I will always remember Madeline’s miracle.